sometimes i wish i could pass through my own cemetery gate and forget all thats behind me. i hate that i cant work. i hate that jacob feels like its more of a job being here at home than actually being at work. a friend was talking about ending it all tonight and it scared me. that i might lose him. it scared me more that i wanted to end it as well. that i have for a while. im jealous. of most people i know. they dont have to shovel pill after pill after pill and hide tears from a husband who seems to not like being with me. "tears are a sign of weakness" "there can be no tears" is what i keep telling myself. inch by inch the "end" tempts me more and more. i keep hoping that someday i will wake up and the pills and patches and er visits and hospital stays and everything will just be a dream. a very bad dream. i miss a dose and it makes me so sick i cant get out of bed. it pisses me off and all i want to do is die. go to sleep and not wake up. i know im not the perfect daughter, sister,friend,wife, whatever.. but can i please catch a break?? i cant take feeling much more pain. yea i know "pain is weakness leaving the body".. well you say that after 4years of pain. BITE MY ASS! fuck every single one of you who are thinking that phrase right now. im jealous that i cant have kids and it seems like everyone else is. its so frustrating and heartbreaking wherever i go to se some pregnant lady or a family together. no i dont want one yet but i do want one and theres no way we could get approved for adoption because of my health which is even more heartbreaking. i hate not being able to sleep. i hate 7hrs of morning stiffness. why cant i be close to healthy. what did i do to deserve all this? cant it just kill me already and stop taunting me? im tired of crying out of agonizing pain that everyone else seems to think i fake. fuck you people too who think that. i dont understand why i have to go through all this. i cant breathe half the time and the rest of the time i cant walk right. i hate my life. yea this is one of those. life is more of a chore now. "god has a plan for you" fuck that idea too. your god has a fucking sick twisted sense of humor if this is his plan. when will my cemetery gates open for me? i keep staring at the pile of pain meds (pills and patches) and they keep tempting me to swolow them all and just drift away. its not like anyone will notice. most my family cant stand me. they think im a junkie. hell maybe i should prove them right and just do it already. just a couple swallows and laydown to nap. its 6 am... no one will be awake to care. "Lost within my plans for life, It all seems so unreal.... Now I watch the falling rain. All my mind can see now is your (face)..."

when im alone i wonder will i survive much longer? should i fall asleep in the tub? slice and dice? when will it end? i give up on this life and am ready for the next. theres so much i should tell my family about my health but i wont. im ready.. why wont it just happen already? ive wasted away down to nothing. im not even 100lbs and i cant stop puking. my body keeps trying to live but my soul is dead.

what am i supposed to do??