Torn...........................

Last night's dream only lasted an hour but its kept me awake since. I woke up having a panic attack and I've begun to wonder if he knows what he is getting into. Is he prepared for the worst? I know if he reads this his response will be "Babe, stop worrying. Everything will be fine." I'm not worried about getting sick again and him leaving though. I'm afraid of it. I can feel it lurking in the dark, waiting to resurface. I don't know how to escape from it. It happened once, whos to say it won't happen again? It happened a couple years ago but the wound still feels so fresh. It still affects the way I sleep and every aspect of my marriage. I worry so much about trying please him and I can't. I just can't. I feel like such a fucking failure. He says it isn't my fault but it is. Its all in my head and I can't seem to free myself from it. My paranoia has led to self-hatred. I feel broken and I don't know how to fix it. I am just so damned frustrated with myself that I don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to make it better. I am losing control and the fear is winning. How do I get my life back?

Here I am with two parts of me... One part of me is living life. I got married. Iam moving to San Diego soon. Things are moving on. Then there is a second part that hides from the world. Part of me that has already died, because I lost my grip on reality when my world came caving in on top of me. That part of me is consumed by the fear of being raped again and can't control the fear anymore.

I am so sorry baby. I don't know how to fix it. I love you.

Maybe someday Ill learn to breathe






Officially, Mrs. Rigg!